First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
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God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel