Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
