I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
