She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
