Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
