Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day