I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
