Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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