apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Send us your Text From Last Night!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we're making bets on your personal life
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."