It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom