So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.