Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict