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Send us your Text From Last Night!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
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The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is