So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?