I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.