mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.