Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
