Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
