I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
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You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.