Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?