I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
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Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
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God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
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How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.