I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!