If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy