What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Send us your Text From Last Night!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.