I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I pour the whiskey from now on
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube