I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.