I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
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Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick