I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The adults are the big ones right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee