Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like