I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.