He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
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Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.