I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets