Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
