i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset