I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...