My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
