Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
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Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.