i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
