all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat