FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Send us your Text From Last Night!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
