we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
