I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes