Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.