life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.