Swine flu. Run for my life!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
be right there i have to get my cape