He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.