only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
either way he was missing a nipple.
23 Concerns People Have When They’re About To Have Sex With Someone New
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.