It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
be right there i have to get my cape
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.