sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong