his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.