my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.