There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
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I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk