I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
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You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"