There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.