Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.