i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
